


Last Heaven

by 1nonlyminah



Category: the GazettE (Band)
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, Developing Relationship, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Love Confessions, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-12
Updated: 2019-08-12
Packaged: 2020-08-20 01:04:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 12,928
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20219233
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/1nonlyminah/pseuds/1nonlyminah
Summary: "When he made me the favor of letting me stay at his place, I knew exactly I will have to accept him as he is, along with his difficult personality that shows up every now and then. I knew I will have to live under his terms and despite all, he made it much easier than thought as he never did me any wrong. He helped me when I did not know what to do."





	1. 行かないで (Don't go)

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, lovely readers!
> 
> This 6 chapters long fan fiction is composed of 6 events describing the development of the relationship between Ruki and the reader (also main character).  
I wrote it back in 2016 and thought it would be a waste to let it just sit in my PC folders forever, so I decided to publish it here.
> 
> I hope you'll like it.

I watch Ruki from behind as he is sitting on the sofa in his living room. Leaned a little forward with his arms resting on his tights, he is staring at the rain on the other side of the window. A heavy silence hangs in the air around him and it is almost a painful view to look at. What's bothering him? I wonder and an inaudible sigh escapes my lips. Lost in my thoughts, I almost unconsciously take the hot milk off the stove and pour it into his favorite cup, then add about two spoons of cocoa and mix it well.  
The next minute I leave the small kitchen. "Here you go," I slowly approach Ruki and give him the cup of hot cocoa I just made.  
I get a confused look in return. "For me?" he asks. I hold back my sarcasm for once and reply with a nod. He hesitatingly accepts it and then stares at the brown liquid for a while.  
"You don't like it?" I ask, a bit worried that my nice gesture would go to waste.  
"Oh…" he turns to me, "it's just that I can't remember the last time I had cocoa…." he pauses, "or the last time someone made something for me." He murmurs more to himself than to me and I suddenly feel guilty for catching his words.  
I sit down next to him trying to find a sign of approval on his face or in his gestures. No reaction comes from his side. Instead, he drinks from the cup and a tiny smile appears on his lips. I feel a slight wave of relief but the heavy atmosphere surrounding him remains filling the small room.  
Should I say something? "I…" I start but shut my mouth as quickly as he looks at me and our eyes happen to meet for a brief moment.  
"What?" he asks moving his gaze at the falling rain once again.  
It has been a week or so that he barley speaks to me... that he looks so… I remain quiet thinking about what I am even trying to say. That he is cold? That I am starting to feel like a burden to him? No. I have been wondering what is going on inside his head. What it is that is making him so... sad? And then again, deep down, hidden away from even my own eyes, a fear has been born continuingly filling my mind with one question: does he silently want me to leave as I may be causing him trouble by staying at his place for so long?  
"Just say it already, that I'm cold and acting weird…" His gaze is fixed on something visible only to him.  
Lately, a certain amount of uneasiness between us two can be quickly sensed. "That's not the right way to put it..." Words start to come with a bit more easiness as I feel the urge to let him know this is not what I am trying to point out. "I don't want to mind your business or dig where you don't want me to…"  
"Then don't." He cuts me off way too quickly.  
His words hurt more than I thought they could and starting from here, I know there is no point in talking with him and force an unwanted conversation. But then why is my gut feeling telling me to not leave him like this? His words do not even feel like they were meant for me. I cannot leave him like this…  
Something urges me to not end it just yet. "I'm not quick to judge, you know," I say. "Everyone has things they don't talk about... maybe out of fear that they won't be understood."  
"But?" he suddenly asks. I catch a glimpse of something looking like anticipation in his eyes.  
"What about it?" I rise my eyebrow not sure what he is expecting.  
"There's always a but, isn't it?" He gives me a short stare, much softer than I would dare to hope for.  
I turn away, somehow feeling guilty again. "I don't have a but..."  
His eyes move to his hands now resting on his knees. "Then think about it." His voice sounds sharp. This is not what he wanted to hear; that is for sure. And yet why would he even bother to give weight to words at this point? "Or rather I'm just giving you reasons to leave, right?"  
I shake my head. What? "I never said that." At worst, it could only be vice versa.  
He kind of smiles, weakly. "But at some point you thought about it."  
"You're wrong," I say with much more hardness than I wanted to. I observe his profile carefully.  
His lips move but he avoids looking at me. "Am I?"  
"Yes!" I almost raged. When he made me the favor of letting me stay at his place, I knew exactly I will have to accept him as he is, along with his difficult personality that shows up every now and then. I knew I will have to live under his terms and despite all, he made it much easier than thought as he never did me any wrong. He helped me when I did not know what to do. He alone. But this is not the reason why I cannot stand to see him feeling bad about… whatever it may cause him pain.  
"Then where's the but..." Again, he searches for something in me that is more than just a simple agreement of reassurance. A reason perhaps?  
He does not want me to leave him alone. He does not. If he did, he would have already left himself as he has the tendency to. He would disappear and come back when he felt a little better. But he is not leaving this time. Why? Why is he insisting so much? What does he want me to do? I am afraid that whatever I may say, it will not be what he wants to hear. I learned just about enough to justify my feeling of walking on eggshells whenever touching a more significant topic he holds personal.  
Blindly, I decide to give it a try. "But..." I start and he suddenly looks up at me with a hint of curiosity. Or hope, perhaps. "It's hard to watch how something is wrong and I can't even lend you an ear or a word of comfort when you need it… while you’re doing me such a big favor."  
"You don't owe me anything, don't worry about it. I mean it," he interferes, sounding slightly disappointed. "Thanks for the cocoa." He smiles but it looks nothing like a genuine gesture.  
I sit silent for a while, thinking if I should just let it go and leave it all to him. If only I could read minds... Why is he making it so hard? He has always been a hard one to read and after three months I still feel like I am not getting any better at it. Shaking my head, "it's not about owing you something," I say at last.  
"Then what it is?" This time he does not show any reaction that could reveal a hint about his thoughts.  
"I've been living here with you for more than two months now and to me you're not just... a random person who's doing me a favor. Sounds used but I do care about what's going on in your head and I know I can't do much but… at least I want you to know that you can turn to me ‘cause I can't be there if you don't let me." I almost run out of breath as I feel my own words choking me.  
He stays still then leans forward looking at the distance. His silence hurts my ears.  
Have I crossed the line? I know the sight of the wall he built around himself; I have seen it a lot of times. And now, did I just throw a rock right where a little crack already existed? I should have not…  
"I’m talking too much, huh?” I suddenly break the silence unable to bear it any longer. “Well, enough for tonight. I hope it gets better soon… whatever it is." I sigh and stand up from the sofa. I feel the need to get away and give some time to the heavy atmosphere to return to normal.  
As I start to leave, though still not sure where to, I feel a sudden, cold yet soft touch on my hand. I turn around to see Ruki's fingers around my wrist. Then his hand slips lower to intertwine his fingers with mine. I stare confused at the exact place where our skin touches almost too gently.  
"Could you… just stay for a little while?" He swallows hard. "No need to speak… just sit next to me… for a while." I can sense the inner fight he is having right now.  
My face still reflects confusion and I am not able to fully process the words I just heard. Yet my fear speaks to me again: and then should I start searching for another place to stay? "And then I should leave your…?" I hear my voice asking as it was coming from a distance, “place?” I do not want to make him feel uncomfortable in his own apartment. Maybe it is time for me to find another solution.  
He swallows hard again. "I..." Now he is the one at loss for words. "...don't want you to leave." The last part comes out almost as a whisper as his eyes finally meet mine.  
I cannot hold it back. “Why?” I ask, knowing that I am crossing the line once again. It could have been just like any other normal, innocent question but the unusual situation gives it weight that only piles up on the acknowledgment of the search of a deeper meaning rather than a superficial reason.  
His gaze withdraws but his fingers do not move away from mine as he was afraid the moment would slip away from his hands. “Please, don’t…”  
I sigh, “I’m sorry, I already said too much.” I do not move.  
And then I realize I indeed made the crack in his wall a little more visible when he suddenly takes me by surprise. “I like you being here.” His voice almost draws into a whisper as he pulls me closer to him by my hand he is still holding in his. “Stay.” I find myself right above him yet he avoids to face me directly.  
I feel like he is giving me no choice. I carefully sit down next to him, close enough to smell the sweet cologne he put under his chin. I follow his example and lean back into the cozy sofa. His hand slowly lets go of mine and a sudden feeling of missingness hits me. “You never look at me when you speak,” I say with a dreamy voice. I know how much effort took him to say that and I know he means it. I do not doubt his words but the absence of eye contact leaves something unfulfilled.  
To my surprise, he turns to me with a shy expression painted on his face. He forces himself to make eye contact with me, “I must be difficult to deal with, huh?” Something in his eyes reveals to me he is just counting every aspect of himself he would like to erase. It makes my soul ache.  
“No,” I state. “Just… for some reason, I can’t stand to see you hurt.” I bite my lip in sign of unease.  
His way of always being on demand to defend himself vanishes for a while as my words catch him off guard. “I don’t want you to think you’re a burden,” he sighs. “I’m glad you’re… here,” his struggle is still visible on his face but somehow his voice sounds more relaxed, and soft.  
I reach for his hand again and give him a soft, warm smile of approval. I can tell he is thinking about something only he knows as he hesitatingly rests his head on my shoulder. I decide to not ask him any further questions and leave him wander the road of his mind he chose to travel tonight. I gently stroke his hair and a strange feeling hits me. What it is?  
“Thank you,” he whispers and my heart unexpectedly flutters.


	2. 逆上せる (Dizziness)

The birthday song reaches my ears and I smile as I get some little presents and wishes from the guys, including the chocolate cake Kai made for me. We are sitting on the floor in Ruki’s living room, around a small table with a few bottles of quality sake and Japanese beer we already started to empty. The tension from the past weeks hanging between me and Ruki disappeared after that evening we shared.  
Aoi pours us another round when Ruki suddenly leans slightly into me to shyly give me a red and black gift bag. “For you,” he says.  
I stare at the carefully chosen bag, trying to figure out whether I was expecting a gift from him or not. “Oh,” a bit of surprise becomes visible on my face. “Thank you,” I smile bowing a bit as I take it from his hands. He urges me to open it. “’Kay, ‘kay,” I say with a smile as I pull out a small black box. I open it carefully to see a silver watch with an elegant design and beautiful minimalistic decorations. I keep starting at it, calculating in my mind how much it must have cost him.  
Aoi peaks over the table and almost drops his jaw. “Ru-chan, you definitely didn’t hold back on this one,” he laughs. “I’m still waiting on the day you’re going to give me such a gift!”  
Kai observes me carefully and notices my hesitation. “Ah, our Ruki-san has such a good taste, right?” he asks me and almost undetectably nods at me in encouragement.  
“Ee,” I nod. “It’s so pretty...” I keep staring at the small box and everyone’s eyes light up. I catch sight of Ruki who is slightly embarrassed. “Ruki, you shouldn’t have…” I say.  
He looks at me with no confidence at all. “I wanted to…”  
“It must have cost you so much… seriously, I don’t want you to spend money for me.” Everyone look at me in disbelief. “I’ll end up feeling in debt, I can’t give you back as much as...”  
“A gift isn’t given with the expectation of getting something in return,” Ruki says cutting me off.  
“…But why such a watch?” I cannot guess where he found the idea. “Any small thought would have been more than good enough to make me happy.” My gaze is still fixed on the gift.  
“The one you had before broke and I remember you being sad about it since it meant a lot to you,” he explains. “I know this one can’t be of the same value for you but…” He lifts his shoulders.  
“No, Ruki!” I am almost too quick to speak. “This one would be of great value for me because you gave so much thought into it.” I smile, finally looking at his face.  
“Then just take it and let’s get back to drinking already!” Reita insists and Aoi nods with confidence.  
“Stop rushing them,” Kai gives a light hit on Reita’s shoulder.  
My attention is fixed on Ruki who is right in front of me patently waiting on my response. “Thank you,” I give him a light bow to show my gratitude. “I’ll take good care of it,” I smile and hug him. Despite his momentary surprise, he returns the gesture and seems to enjoy it.  
We return to chatters and laughter and sake, while Ruki lights up a cigarette and inhales the smoke.  
“Hey, Ruki…” Reita calls out to him, slightly drunk, and Ruki easily predicts from his playful eyes the words that follow. “Your girl can drink more than you can, huh?” Reita laughs. “What a shame!”  
All Ruki does is roll his eyes at him and I giggle. I can drink a bit, yes, but on the other hand, I could never bring myself to smoke.  
“Seriously, Ru-chan. What will she think of you?” Aoi exaggeratingly shakes his head.  
“It only means we have more chances,” Reita nods in my direction with a half-smile and we burst into laughter. It looks like they are on a mission to get him drinking.  
“Girls don’t like weak men,” Aoi provokes him a bit more and all of them find it extremely funny as Ruki’s jaw gets tense. Something got to him.  
I could not care less about whether he drinks or not but it looks like something in their words, or perhaps something on my face, shakes him up making him change his mind. He insecurely raises his glass towards Aoi. “Pour it,” he says through his teeth.  
“There he goes,” they applaud and I have to giggle at the scene in front of my eyes.  
As so, we lose track of time while enjoying ourselves in each other’s company and the hours pass us by way too quickly without us even noticing when the clock strikes midnight.  
Then Ruki suddenly stands up and in that moment, he loses his balance. "Are you drunk?" Reita laughs.  
"I'm not," he stubbornly says and clumsily leaves for the bathroom.  
"He's drunk," everyone laughs as soon as he disappears from the room.  
When he comes back, I end up with Reita and Kai at my sides as Ruki decides to go for the sofa instead of the floor. “Hey,” Reita calls out to me, “it must be hard to live with Ruki-san, huh?” He giggles, “I bet he doesn’t know how to take care of a girl and you probably have to listen to his complaining all the time,” he shakes his head, acting. “You know, I have enough space in my house…” Reita winks at me and then glances at Ruki with the corner of his eye.  
"You are such an idiot," Ruki empties another glass. " I can take good care of her." His voice gets closer as he approaches me and sits down right in the middle of me and Reita pushing him aside. “She’s fine with me,” he adds waiting for my agreement and I nod decisively.  
"Oh, someone's getting jealous.” Reita gives Ruki a light flick on the shoulder with a half-smile.  
Ruki's face takes on a soft pink note and he swallows down another glass of sake to hide it.  
"Hey, Ruki..." I say, "it's enough sake for tonight, don’t you think?" As someone not used to it, he will not be so happy when he wakes up in the morning.  
"There's never enough sake," a drunken Uruha pours more of it into Ruki's glass.  
"I like it here, ‘kay?" I say quietly so it cannot reach other’s ears and pat Ruki on the head as I see him still thinking about what Reita just said. He reacts by laying his head on my shoulder. "Hey...” I rest my head on him as well, “you can stay like this but first can you let me to the bathroom?"  
He lets me get on my feet. My head spins a little and one of my feet fails at its job as I stand up too quickly. Ruki’s hand on my back helps me regain my posture. Still this is not what I would call drunk.  
When I come out of the bathroom, I meet Reita waiting. "Finally,” he says and approaches me with a small smile to reach for the door behind me.  
"I'll be going to take care of our Ru-chan now," I giggle.  
He laughs. "Yeah, it's rare to see him drunk,” he agrees. “But hey, you should take care of me instead," Reita laughs then provocatively winks at me, “would be more fun…”  
I giggle in response and wink as a joke, “I bet.”  
A voice coughs from behind and I realize it is Ruki’s. He was standing there the whole time and does not find Reita’s joke funny at all. "Let's go," Ruki roughly pulls my hand and clumsily leads me back to the living room, then sits me down on the sofa throwing himself next to me and wrapping his arm protectively around my shoulder. “You bet, huh?” he murmurs. His jaw gets tense again.  
I stare confused at his face as his hand reaches for another bottle of beer and he swallows drily. I take the bottle from him and put it back on the table as to say enough. I can tell the alcohol is starting to take its toll on him as he cuddles next to me and closes his eyes to rest his head. “I’m so dizzy,” he complains and buries his face into my shoulder. I suggest him it is time to go to sleep but he refuses, “but you’re so comfy, I don’t feel like moving now.” His fingers suddenly caress my cheek and I freeze at his gesture before I get at ease with the tender feeling of his touch.  
I let myself sense his warm presence as my eyes wander through it. “I’ll go with you, ‘kay?” I give in to his drunk cuteness way too easily. I pet his head and feel him nodding into my shoulder.  
“Why do I feel like k…” his voice withdraws and I cannot catch the last part of his words. I do not ask him to repeat as I figure out I might do not want to know. “I can’t…” he whispers again and the feeling of his breath on my neck makes my heart accelerate.  
Kai quickly concludes that is time to leave and soon after drags the other three to the door after calling a taxi. They are still holding a bottle of beer in their hands as Kai shoves them outside. “Take care of him,” he pets me on the head then winks and smiles. I nod giving him a hug and close the door behind them.  
I return to the half-asleep Ruki on the sofa and take enough time to finally drag him to his bedroom. He finally throws himself on the bed and when I am just about to leave, he lifts himself up again and pulls me onto him by my waist. I find myself sitting in his lap and his arms around my hips. He rests his head on my shoulder and I can smell the slight odor of tobacco mixed with sake. It smells good on him. Everything on him is just so good... I instinctively lean back on him and for a moment lose myself in his embrace. The sound of his deep voice distracts me. "Hey...” he says, “what do you think of me? Honestly…" he whispers close to my ear and I almost shiver when I sense his breath.  
I sigh. "You should go to sleep now, it's late and you're drunk." My hand lends on his wrist.  
He distances himself a bit. "I can't,” he giggles.  
"Why?" I lift my eyebrow tilting my head to the side to catch a glimpse of his face.  
"You're impeding me to move," he says with a half-smile. As so, with the intention of giving him space, I try to stand up but in that moment his grip on me tightens in response. "Who said I want you to leave?"  
The sudden acceleration of my heartbeat takes me off guard. "Ruki..."  
"You're comfortable and warm," he murmurs as his forehead touches my back. "And you didn't answer."  
As I really start to think about it, my mind overflows with so many things that I have no idea how to convey them into words and shorten all into a sentence. My thinking leaves us hanging in the silence for some short moments. "I think…” I start, “that you’re someone I won’t forget even in my next life.” I answer and his breath stops for a second or two; I sense a momentary indecision. "What about you? I mean how... how do you feel with me living here?" I ask, curious to hear his thoughts but at the same time anxious about the answer he might give.  
He suddenly lets go of me and lays back. I do not move as the room at once starts feeling cold. I turn my head to him and wait for his response. He smiles, "I'm happy at moments like this." This is his only answer and I know he is not going to say anything more. What a half of an answer it is. I guess not even a fair amount of alcohol can make him reveal more than he already did.  
I move to lay by his side. Now it is me the one who does not want to leave just yet and I find myself longing for his embrace again. I let the silence grow around us as I dive in my thoughts for a while. The quietness filling the room gives a feeling of easiness that both of us seem to constantly long for.  
I better go and let him rest, I think to myself when returning to the surface from my own mind. Just then, my name escapes Ruki’s lips and I jump in surprise. “Ruki?” I gently call to him but he does not react to my voice. Instead, in a sleeping state, he cuddles closer to me then wraps his arms around me. His grip strengthens as he rests his head on my chest making it impossible for me to move.  
I realize he is sound asleep and I am tied to his embrace that seems to not loosen a bit. With a sleepy head, I exhale and decide to rest my eyes just for a while.


	3. 思い出せない (Cannot remember)

I wake up to the feeling of a weight lifting from my body. When I slowly open my eyes, I catch sight of Ruki running to the bathroom. I rub my sleepy eyes, get on my feet and hurry after him. There I see him leaning over the toilet sit and can imagine the reason for it. It has been long since I was in his position.  
I carefully kneel next to him and gently caress his hair. "Hey, are you okay?" I softly ask.  
He lifts his head, annoyed. "What, are you going to watch me now?" He sits down on the bathroom floor and leans back on the wall then closes his eyes.  
I take a step back to give him some space, both physical and mental. "You won't be the first," I say and let out a sigh. “How’s your head, though?”  
"What do you mean?" he asks, totally ignoring my question. His eyes open as he clumsily tries to stand up in need for his toothbrush.  
I watch him quietly. "I have a past too, you know," I say as my eyes lower. He detects the slight change in my voice. He stays quiet and bites hard on his lower lip then processes to wash his teeth in complete silence. What I just said seems to bother him somehow. "But you're surely not someone used to it and it’s definitely not the best feeling in the world," I say as I reach the door. “I’ll get you some water, ‘kay?"  
He does not say anything but gets back to the corner on the floor closing his eyes again to rest his head.  
On my way to the kitchen, I cannot help myself but think about last night. If he only saw himself. I bet those four dorks will throw it at his face until his dying day, I giggle to myself. It is definitely not a side of Ruki you get the chance to see very often. But it was nice to see him loosen a bit. He usually worries too much about always appearing perfect in front of everybody else’s eyes. Self-control in all occasions seems to be the law he follows but it only made him tense as a normal part of his being.  
I head back to the bathroom. He did not move since I left. His head must be a mess of dizziness and blankness. “Here you go, drink.” I hand him the glass of fresh water.  
He takes it and stares at it for a while. “I don’t think it’s good for my stomach as it is now,” he says.  
“You need to hydrate yourself or your head will kill you,” I explain. “You should also eat some carbs, but I think you might skip that part right now.” I tilt my head a little. This subject is not new to me.  
“What would you know…” he says annoyed. The glass in his hand is still full.  
Again, I sit next to him. This time dare a little closer than before. “You think I’ve never dealt with this shit?” I ask, being it a rhetorical question. Bad habits, wrong timing, wrong place, wrong company. My thoughts go unspoken as I leave them hanging in the silence between us. He senses the way the air around us took on a different smell and does not answer nor ask any questions.  
He empties the glass with resistance and few moments pass in silence. "Hey..." he suddenly whispers my name. "Did I do… anything strange?" He keeps his gaze fixed on the floor covered in cream-white tiles.  
I let out a little laugh. "Nah, don’t worry," I say.  
I do not convince him at all and his eyebrow rises in sign. "What did I do?" he asks again, somehow insecure about the answer he might get in return. He does not have the courage to look at me.  
"Don't worry about it." I softly smile at him.  
I see fear appearing in his eyes and I catch a fragment of his thoughts: Did I fuck it up? "What if I want to know?" He firmly insists.  
"It's nothing." My voice takes on a soft tone as I try to reassure him.  
He is not happy with my answer and irritation is starting to show on his face. "Then why did I wake up next to you?" His voice gradually becomes rough.  
Fine. "’Cause you wouldn't let go of me," I reply honestly as I realize he is not going to let this go.  
"What did I do?" He suddenly rages taking me aback and I almost get goose bumps at the sight of it.  
I back up at the serious tone in his voice. For once, I can tell exactly what he is thinking about. "Since you ask..." I start. "No, you didn't try do that and no, we didn't do that."  
Some of the fear in his eyes disappears and his face slightly relaxes, and yet it is obvious that he is still losing it for not being able to remember anything. I can tell he is somewhat afraid. But of what exactly?  
"Then what happened?" he asks carefully with his voice much more in control.  
Knowing him, I conclude there is no point in keeping it to myself. Otherwise, he will keep on insisting until the very last second and this is an already lost battle. "You held onto me like a little puppy,” I say, “and you seemed to like the idea of me being a pillow." I giggle.  
His eyes widen but he does not relax just yet. “What else?” he asks instead.  
I shake my head in a dreamy way. “Nothing much, just some jealousy scenes. Especially when Reita-san’s comments got a little… provocative.” I laugh.  
Damn. His expression reveals embarrassment but another burden lifts from his shoulders. "I'm sorry…"  
"No, it was kind of cute. I didn't mind." I genuinely smile and he looks at me confused.  
He shakes his head. "...what?"  
I carefully rest my head on his shoulder and check if it bothers him but I find no sign of rejection. "I told you not to worry, it was kind of nice to see you loosen a bit."  
He stays still and waits a few moments to pass before asking further. "What do you mean?”  
"You always worry to appear perfect in front of others, always worry how you act, always hold back..." My smiles changes into a thoughtful one. “It does no good to never let go of it, not even for the time being.”  
He rubs his eyes. “It’s not the right time to start this conversation,” he cuts me off. “My head hurts and I’m in need for some more sleep.” He lets out a small sigh.  
I pull myself up on my feet and offer him a hand. “Let’s go, you better get some rest. A bed is much better than a bathroom’s floor, right?” I smile.  
He refuses. “I’m fine,” he says while struggling to not roll his eyes at me.  
“I thought you already learned by now that I don’t bite,” I say in response to his gesture of refusal.  
My hand stays stretched towards him. “You always talk so much,” he sighs while grabbing it.  
I shut up. “Sorry...” I am surprised how fast he gave in this time, without too much resistance. I help him up and notice he regained most of his balance.  
“No, actually… I like listening to you.” His voice gets a little lower in tone. “Even if it’s non-sense…” He giggles a bit. Somehow, this makes me smile much more than one would expect. “Anyway, how are you? No hangover?” he asks while we walk together back to his bedroom.  
“I’m not that sensitive,” I shake my shoulders. “I didn’t drink much either.”  
“You can handle more than I can, huh?” he says, kind of ashamed of that fact.  
“Maybe just a glass, but mostly I know my limits,” I answer. “You can blame Reita-san, though. He’s really good at provoking you and making you do things you usually wouldn’t,” I laugh.  
He makes a grimace. “Okay, I lied when I said I like listening to you.”  
“Come on, you can’t trust those four dorks,” I laugh. “And who would have looked after me if I got drunk?” I lightly flick him on the shoulder.  
When we get to the bedroom, he throws himself on the bed and stays laying on his back for a while, then pulls himself up into a sitting position with his feet firmly on the ground. I remain standing some steps away from the bed. He leans forward placing his elbows on his tights and rests his head in his hands. “Hey,” he calls to me, “one more thing about last night, did I say anything… strange?” Something still bothers him and I remember his sudden blather I could not hear completely.  
I tell the truth. “Not really, I mean… you blathered random things at some point but you were kind of whispering and it was impossible to understand.” He decides to believe me and leave it here when for a second his gaze drops on the floor. I move closer to give him a quick pet on the head with the intention to leave right after so he can get some rest and I can make myself something to eat.  
But instead he surprises me again and by pulling me onto him, makes me fall. I suddenly feel my face getting hotter as I find myself sitting in his lap. I am afraid to look up and meet his eyes. Exchanging roles, now is me the one being embarrassed. Why? I never had a problem being near him, close to him, hugging him… but suddenly I feel like I am way too close to him.  
“I… I… wanted to go make myself something to eat,” I blather, still not being able to look at him.  
A finger touches my hand. “Since I’m an eccentric egoist, I won’t let you...” His voice sells out the fact that he is not being completely at ease with his own words. “I already did the damage,” he sighs.  
I cannot get a hold of the situation anymore. “Eh? What are you talking about?” I ask confused.  
His breathing fastens. “I crossed the line yesterday, didn’t I?”  
With what? “No line was ever traced anyway...” I choke on my words, not even sure if I said them out loud, as I feel my face burning and my heart starts beating insanely. Get your shit together, I scream at myself. An intense feeling takes over me and I cannot seem to get rid of it.  
My words seem to shake him up. He hesitates for some moments. "Can I... can I use you like a pillow… for a little longer?" he asks me, insecure. “I seem to sleep better that way…” he whispers so silently that I am not even sure if this is what he just said. “No nightmares…”  
I finally find the courage to face him. His brown eyes reflect shyness. I give in without even giving it a second though and I nod. “Well, a little sleep won’t kill me either,” I say, finally more tranquil.  
He smiles and lets me go as he pulls himself under the blanket.  
I lay down next to him and he cuddles close to me by resting his head on my chest and letting his arm find place across my stomach. "You sure are some strange kind..." I giggle.  
Ruki holding onto me with a sleepy face is surely something I would want to wake up to everyday.


	4. 二人で (Together)

I wake up to the smell of morning coffee and a light sound of footsteps. I slowly move my head and lift it from the softness of the pillow. A warm blanket is covering me. Wait. Why do I smell coffee? Is… someone here? I pull myself up and look around the room. It is still the exact same Ruki’s living room. The rain stopped and gentle sunlight is breaking through the few clouds left.  
"’Morning…" I hear a voice behind me and turn on instinct. Ruki. "How are you?" He smiles and for a second I think I am still dreaming.  
"I... I'm fine," I say with a sleepy voice and he giggles. "Is everything okay?” I ask, still a bit confused. “Do you have guests or something?”  
He lifts his eyebrow not understanding my question. "Okay, I see it’s still early for you," he chuckles.  
“But the coffee…” I start but he cuts me off right away.  
“Ah, that…” He scratches his hair. “I made us coffee and there are some cookies..." His expression changes to somewhat embarrassed. “Breakfast, you know…”  
My head still cannot make head and tail of the strange view I woke up to. "Are you sure you're okay?"  
Now his gaze falls to the ground. "Sure, why you ask?"  
"This is not like you," I giggle. I stretch my arms and slowly get on my feet. He stares at me for a while as he was waiting for something. I realize I have chosen my words wrong again. Damn, I need to be more careful. I smile softly and I quickly get to see how it reassures him. "It'd be nice to wake up to this every morning," I explain myself before he can jump to hurried conclusions.  
He smiles in return and shakes his head in the direction of the kitchen implying me to follow him. Fresh made coffee poured in two cups and an open pack of Ruki’s favourite cookies wait for us.  
"I still have a day off," he starts. It is Sunday today. He sits and leans back onto the kitchen chair. "And there's something I wanted to ask you..." He takes up his cup.  
“Sure, go ahead." I take a sip of the coffee, “it’s good!”  
He nods with a smile then turns kind of serious. "Well... I... since the weather is really nice today...” he starts off with his usual initial struggle in finding the words. “And there's a place I love not too far from here... I wanted to go there for some inspiration and write a little, I really feel the need for it," he explains and then seems to finally loosen a bit.  
"Oh, that’s a good idea. You really need a small break from work," I smile.  
“Ee,” he nods. “I wanted to ask you if... if you would like to go there with me?" His gaze is fixed on the cup of coffee he is embracing with both of his hands. “Like… in an hour or so.”  
"Oh, I'd love to.” I am happy about his invitation since I cannot recall spending some time with him in a relaxing atmosphere. “But are you sure I won't bother you?"  
"I wouldn't ask otherwise," he makes it clear how obvious it is.  
I just nod in return. He observes me for a while with dreamy eyes and I suddenly become aware of my still swollen face and messy hair. I blush and get a little smile in return.  
I finish my coffee and stand up. “I’ll go take a quick shower and then we can go,” I say.  
I seem to distract him from his own little world as he jumps a bit to the sound of my voice. “Oh, sure…”  
I close myself in the bathroom and get in the shower. My thoughts wander to Ruki as the hot water relaxes my muscles. What is going on with me lately? I never really gave it that much of a though to how I appear in front of his eyes. But lately… He is making me so… He is making me feel… I shake my head to catch away my thoughts as they were a swam of insects.  
I dry myself and comb my hair just to find out that I forgot to take clean clothes with me and I already threw everything in the laundry. Damn. I look at the small towel I am holding in my hand. No way it will be enough. I look around in search for another solution to not leave for the bedroom completely naked. What if he saw me… Then I see a clean white shirt folded on the shelf. I know it is Ruki’s but I quickly decide to borrow it as I cannot find anything better. It is a bit long and it covers me just enough to not show all the things I should not show. I silently thank God for it not being see-through.  
I hurry from the bathroom to get myself some clothes from the wardrobe and along the way, of course, I bump into Ruki. Fuck. “Oh, I’m sorry! I forgot to take clean clothes with me and saw you left a shirt and I thought it’d be better if I use it to cover up….” As my first reaction to the situation I just found myself in, I rush to try explaining myself. I realize I am standing in front of him with just his white shirt on and cannot make myself look at him. I feel his eyes on my body but he does not say anything.  
The embarrassment makes me want to turn around and walk away fast, but it all gets worse when I hear another voice coming from behind. “Hehe, nice view…” Perhaps that is why Ruki was keeping so quiet.  
I instinctively look up to see Reita with a little smile painted on his face. My face turns red and I wish I could burry myself alive. I have always been insecure about pretty much my whole body… and a pair of male eyes staring at me only makes everything worse to the point I find it hard to keep my cool. I freeze as I feel the panic rising inside me. I cannot stand the situation as my inner struggle reflects in my eyes and probably becomes visible on my face little by little. Ruki notices.  
Ruki notices and goes from worried to visibly upset in less than a second. He swallows hard and then turns his attention to Reita giving him a piercing stare. “Shut up, Reita...” he says through his teeth.  
“What, are you getting jealous again?” Reita provokes him in response and tries to hold back the giggle but fails. He seems to be the only one who would do something like this.  
“This is not about me,” the tone of Ruki’s voice takes on an authoritative shade. “I thought you were more considerable,” he adds. The scene developing before my eyes kind of confuses me.  
Reita backs up a bit in surprise to Ruki’s seriousness. “Sorry,” he kind of apologizes to me but keeps his gaze on the white shirt. I shake my head as to say it is okay and then he turns to Ruki again, “stop being a coward before it will pass you by.” His face is firm; he is not joking around this time.  
I have no way of knowing what he is referring to but Ruki surely has a clue, therefore he does not react directly but a sudden change in his aura occurs. “I don’t need you to tell me this,” he exchanges glances with him and that is when Reita decides it is time to leave. “I forgot my phone here last night,” he laughs. “I just came by to pick it up, next time I’ll let you know in advance.” He scratches his hair. “Sorry again,” he says to me, then gives a small bow to Ruki and before leaving pats him on the shoulder. The sound of the front door closing is what follows.  
I rub my face with both my hands and realize I still did not move or speak. “I’ll go dress myself, sorry for the uncomfortable situation...” I quickly start to leave for the wardrobe in his bedroom.  
I definitely do not expect him to come after me but he does. I open the wardrobe and look at the clothes inside when I catch sight of his figure leaning on the door.  
“Hey…” he calls to me softly. “You’re… fine, okay?” I turn around and see him struggling to keep his eyes fixed only on my face. I stay silent. “Really,” he adds and swallows hard. I can tell there is something else he wants to tell me but words won’t come out of his mouth so he gives up.  
I smile at him and he looks away. “Thanks,” I say.  
“I’ll wait in the living room until you’re ready,” he nods at me. “And sorry if we, I, made you feel uncomfortable…” He turns around in order to leave.  
“Hey, Ruki!” I stop him. “It’s okay as long as it’s you…” I say, hesitatingly.  
He widens his eyes but tries to hide it. I see his figure disappear. “By the way, that shirt… it looks…” he stops to leave room for a sigh, “just keep it.” I hear his voice coming from the living room.  
I smile to myself as I choose what to dress, then put on a light veil of make-up and head back to Ruki as soon as I am done, not even glancing at myself in the mirror. “I’m ready,” I distract him from his iPhone.  
“Let’s go then.” He gets up and picks up his notebook along with the keys of the apartment, then locks the door behind us and a small elevator takes us down to the main door and on the street.  
When I step outside I notice how nicely warm it is. The smell of flowers blooming fills the air and the sky is crystal clear. I breathe in the freshness of a spring day. He starts walking somewhere yet unknown to me, in the opposite direction of the city. I quietly follow him.  
“It’s not far,” he says and accelerates the step. He grabs my hand as we cross the street in hurry.  
“Are you always in such a hurry?” I ask as I see he cannot seem to relax a bit.  
He suddenly stops in the middle of the sidewalk making me bump into his back. “I’m sorry,” he sighs. “I just want to be over with this ‘cause I can’t…” he murmurs and then stops in the middle of the sentence.  
“Be over with what?” I shake my head confused. What is he talking about?  
“Forget it,” he sighs again. “I was just talking to myself.” Then he points at something in front of us forcing me to follow his gaze.  
A view of cherry blossoms opens in front of me and I see a bunch of people all around admiring the light pink scenery. “Didn’t you say there are not many people here?” I lift my eyebrow.  
He giggles. “We’re not there just yet, I have my secrets.” He touches my hand as a sign to follow him.  
We head on a small side path away from the crowd of people, granulated and hidden by more trees. One would probably miss it if unaware of its existence. As we go further, the path steeps until we reach the top of a small hill hidden by the eyes of others. A single cherry tree stands right in the middle and guessing by its height, it must have been here for quite a long time.  
Ruki sits down on the grass leaning back on the tree’s trunk and stretches his legs, then inhales deep and closes his eyes for a few moments. “Ah, so nice...” he says and taps on the ground next to him implying me to sit down. So I do and the time for us stops for a while.


	5. 約束 (Promise)

“I can't live with you like this anymore," he suddenly blathers, after we both let ourselves dive into our own thoughts and sat in a pleasant silence under the shadow of the cherry tree for a while.  
I knew it, my fear bounces ahead. Of course, he is not used to live with another person and especially not with a girl. It must make him so uncomfortable. I stay quiet not being able to say anything for a while and those seconds of silence seem to me like hours. "I'm sorry, I never meant…” I start, finally managing to speak. I never meant what?  
"No… you don't understand.” He shakes his head; his gaze fixed on something in the distance. “I'm sorry. I can't... I need..." He suddenly shuts up in the middle of the sentence. His mouth is still slightly open and his eyes wander from right to left as he was searching for an emergency exit.  
His ability of being quick in changing atmospheres still gets me confused every now and then. My eyes fall on the ground. I keep searching for the words to say but get distracted by a sudden warm touch on my cheek. Not expecting it, I look up in surprise and in that moment, I suddenly feel a gentle pressure on my lips. Did he just kiss me? He kissed me. I froze and remain still. Therefore, I cannot make myself returning the kiss as he caught me completely unprepared.  
Again, he misunderstands and slowly pulls away. "I'm... sorry. I shouldn't have done this...or ever think that you could feel something... I'm sorry." He grabs his little notebook with a leather cover and opens it, then holds his pen above the blank paper and vacantly stares at the empty page. He urges himself to write something, anything, in hurry to delete what just happen and forget it. But it seems to me no matter how he tries, he cannot put his thoughts and feelings in order.  
When will I learn to react the right way? When will I learn to say the right thing? All I seem to do is making him insecure about pretty much everything he does or says. For once, I wish to make him feel certain. But he is so unpredictable, and he just left my head in a mess. Which way should I choose?  
I stretch out my hand to take his notebook, then close it and put it down on the grass next to him. He looks at me confused. I act on instinct and surprise even myself when I move to sit in his lap, facing him, with my hands resting on his chest as I lean forward and… kiss him. This time he is the one who freezes and as an answer to his reaction, instead of pulling away like he did before, I only deepen the kiss. As I do not break it, he finally overcomes the surprise and returns the gesture. His lips taste of perfection. His tongue gently breaks into my mouth and at this point I know this is the start of an addiction.  
The gentle spring breeze that carries the falling sakura petals surrounds us and suddenly I realize it. I feel the need to catch for air before the heaviness of this new awareness chokes me.  
The sweet taste remains burning on my lips as we part. I feel my cheeks turning bright pink and without even looking at him, I burry my face in between his neck and shoulder in attempt to hide it.  
I do not expect him to do anything but the next moment I feel Ruki's hands on my hips and then slowly wrapping around me. "If you only pity me, don't do it," he whispers.  
I feel his breath close to my ear. "I don't pity you," I say sincerely. “Why would I do that?”  
I hate how he always looks for a reason to push it all away and closes up when the topic of a conversation switches to anything to do with feelings. But how can I blame him when the further I go, the more of my self reflects through him? And with every more, the shadow of what I deserted comes tempting my still fragile heart. But this time I will not let him just shut it all out. For the sake of us both. I want to know what is going on inside of him. I want to know what he thinks and what he feels. I want to know what it means to him. I want to know what frightens him. I want to know what makes him smile. I want to… make his eyes smile again. But how to convert this into words?  
I distance myself a bit so I can finally see his face. His perfect features make my heart go insane. It is the first time I can observe him so carefully from such a short, almost inexistent, distance. His brown eyes, his round nose, his soft cheeks, his full pink lips, his jawline, his neck… I have to look away in order to snap out of the spell that has already been casted and was just waiting to reveal itself.  
“You didn’t return the kiss at first…” he finally answers, uncomfortable with the fact that he cannot turn away and ignore my question.  
I smile to myself. "I was just so surprised... my head couldn’t process it all right away. I’m sorry,” I explain softly and this time I know my words will not make him go under cover. “Then I realized I was… falling… for you… all this time.” With each word my voice lowers as I am afraid to come out directly.  
Then again, the spoken hits right through the wall he surrounded himself with. “Just don’t play with me,” he says, as in defense to the strike. “Please…” His voice now softer reveals he almost gave in.  
“I am not…” My fingers search for his and when they find contact, I take his hand in mine.  
He lets it be and tightens the grip. “I’m sorry for doubting you.”  
“No, it’s okay to doubt. I won’t ever blame you for this,” I reassure him. I do not take it personally. Why would I? I am the first one to doubt everyone and everything before my eyes.  
He knows. I have doubted him as well in the past months. “You know, it scares me... to hurt and be hurt, again…” he suddenly utters and I almost cannot believe it, the fact that he is starting to open up a small bit, to trust a little more. “What would happen if for once I let myself have faith in something that could turn out just as fleeting as everything else?” Head or heart? I sense his inner fight.  
I suddenly remember what my old friend used to tell me. Those years ago, when I have not had a clue where life would bring me and was wandering in the darkness of my own mind. At that time, I never imagined it would have led me here, to this place… to Ruki. “Someone once told me this… too scared to begin ‘cause already too afraid of the end.” I share my thought with him.  
He sighs, “I can relate.” His eyes reveal the thoughtfulness he dived himself into.  
“I did as well, way too long…” I say, “but damn, Ruki.” I rise my voce a bit and now I am the one to sigh.  
“What?” He tilts his head a bit in anticipation.  
I hesitate. He is not the only one having troubles to convey feelings or thoughts into words. “Don’t make me say this…” I look up to the sky as it will help me free myself.  
“Say it.” This time his voice is firm as he lowers my chin with his fingers forcing me into eye contact.  
The shyness shows in my expression and I feel the need to hide my face in my hands but Ruki seems to enjoy my reaction and only strengthens his grip around my fingers in response, impeding me to do it. I can guess he likes to meet a side of me he does not get to see all that often. It seems as he gives me no other choice. “…I want to begin this with you. Without ever thinking about what might be but just living each day at a time,” I let it out gaining confidence from his hand that lifts to adjust my hair. “Tell me you want to try,” I dig in need for his reassurance.  
He kind of already knew what was coming yet again, he struggles to convey it. “I want… to try. With you.” The innocence shining in his eyes is like a fresh breeze in the middle of a summer heat. The sincerity of his smile is child-alike and reminds me of a shelter from the rain.  
I surprise him with a sudden kiss. The air around us gets a different smell as the tension slowly disappears and all that remains is a light feeling of a flower blooming.  
“Now go back to writing!” I giggle when I break the kiss.  
“How can I write when you just made a mess out of me?” He looks away.  
Who is a bigger mess now? I wonder. What makes me different from him? I am way more insecure than he can ever be, I tend to ignore and hide my feelings, I tend to run away. I am scared. There, the only difference is that I am better at hiding it. But… he is worth it, the risk.  
“Oh, I forgot you never write directly about your own feelings,” I say and tilt my head on one side.  
He turns serious. “I do, but nobody ever saw that…”  
It is no surprise. “Don’t worry, I won’t ask.” I smile softly.  
“Thank you.” He appreciates my understanding but to my surprise, he does not stop there. “It’s easier to try and immerse into someone else’s feeling trying to imagine it from their point of view,” he says. “But it’s just so hard… to talk about your own feelings, isn’t it?” A shadow passes by inside his brown eyes. “It makes you… vulnerable.” He sighs, “you’re vulnerable when you love, ne?”  
I do nod in agreement and let our eyes stand still on each other. “But Ruki…” I start, “if you’d never risked, would you’ve come to where you are now?”  
He holds his breath for a second as my words pierce through him again and he takes his time to let them sink in, then answers me with a hesitant kiss. I can taste on my lips the bitter sweetness of all his worries at once and feel the need to deprive them of their existence.  
“Honestly, I am not any better…” I say when we part. “I have no intention on pushing you or trying to move you, I just want to know you, understand you, see all sides to you… so I can love that which you can’t.” I rest my head on his shoulder and smell his cologne. “But anyway…. please, can you promise me one thing only?” I continue, giving him no time for a reaction and tilt my head a bit to see his face.  
“What?” he asks, his lips slightly parted, still reflecting on the words shared.  
“If there is something wrong,” I begin carefully, “or if there is anything at all you feel the need to talk about, please do it. No matter what it is, I want to know what’s going on with you. It matters...” Staring at each other’s eyes, we start finding ourselves at ease. “Promise me.”  
“I promise.” He stretches his pinky finger towards me but leaves it hanging in the air a little longer. “But only if you promise me something, too,” he says.  
It is like him, to set a condition. “Tell me,” I say, curious to hear him out.  
“You’ll tell me the story behind your aching soul,” he says completely secure of his words. His warm eyes reflect care, affection and… compassion.  
He strikes through my wall and almost let me short on breath. The roles have exchanged. No way. I find myself unable to say something back and he pulls me in his arms without any words. I tighten the embrace as my heart gets fixed at the same moment it breaks in two.  
“Some things can’t be seen by the eye, right?” he whispers in my ear. “But it doesn’t mean they go unnoticed.” He gently strokes my hair.  
“It’s a promise,” I whisper back and hold onto him as I was afraid he was about to vanish before my eyes.


	6. 肌 (Skin)

My hand makes its way through the surface of soft foam and dips in the slightly peachy-colored water scenting of red oranges and rosemary to check the temperature. It is warm; almost hot. Perfect.  
I enter the bath slowly, letting my body adjust to the warmness gradually. I relax leaning my head back and stretch my legs under the water. It has been three days since I moved from the sofa to his bed. Ruki is being kept busy a great deal these days so every night he would come home late and snuggle close to me crashing down into deep sleep in no time the very next second he would give me a sweet tiny kiss I would feel breaking through the veil of my dreams. He said it is not even like him, as he has always had troubles with nightmares, never being able to close his eyes and just drift away into the dreaming world. Then in the morning, as we both like to sleep in late, I would take on the burden of getting him out of bed at the exact time he set his alarm clock, mostly unsuccessfully as he would cry to have mercy on him. Who knew he could be such a child? That pretty much sums up the last three days.  
Checking the hour on the designed watch before removing it from my wrist and putting it aside to keep it dry, I let out a small sigh. It is almost midnight and Ruki has not come back from work yet. I should probably just go to sleep knowing he will be late, but this is not even the slightest reason why somehow I cannot manage my brain to shut down and my body to give in to the tiredness.  
And there it goes, the insects alike swarm of thoughts, aiming to bite me and cause me an itch. Am I having second thoughts about what I started? Am I doubting my own words? Am I questioning if this is really what I want? The answer is quite simple: not at all. But I am doubting myself indeed, wondering if I am strong enough to take on that which I committed myself to. Seemingly I am, but sincerely, does he even know how fragile I can be? I share his same fears but displaying them is not something I would willingly risk to do. How can I fight them, though?  
Just when I am about to start overthinking to the point of losing all sense of time, I hear a familiar voice insecurely calling out “I’m home” through the small apartment. Probably expecting me to be asleep, he tried to be as quiet as possible, but seeing the lights on, he figured his prediction was wrong.  
It is not the first time happening, but somehow this time feels different as it has never occurred before, not even once, and the new encounter still leaves everything to discover. “I’m taking a bath,” I say, sinking deeper into the bubbles as I was afraid of being found.  
Some moments pass, accompanied by small, easy to guess rumors, as Ruki is probably putting down his stuff and hanging his jacket. I tilt my head to the door I left half open and suddenly regret it when I see Ruki peeking through right the next second. His dark blonde hair in almost perfect order, a designed white T-shirt, too big for him but revealing his tattooed arms, a pair of black skinny jeans and a piece of jewelry hanging from his neck is the view I get when he opens the door completely. As total opposite, there is me; hiding in the soft foam, naked and exposed, with my hair tied on the top of my head and my fringe falling over my eyes, no make-up on and a soft pink tone of blush on my cheeks. A feeling of vulnerability, and therefore weakness, cuts through me as a small examination of the situation sends a clue telling me he is the one in control of how this scene will play out next.  
He sits on the dry side of the bathtub, still careful to not get his clothes drenched and leans in a sweet kiss that makes my stomach jump in excitement. “Can I join?” His voice is firm but something in his eyes gives away the slight nervousness hanging at his back.  
Of all the nights, why this one? I have been a complete mess of anxiety the whole evening. It is not that I do not want him to join; I am just afraid he would sense my hesitation which will make him to back off and go under cover again. “If you want,” I say trying to sound confident but end up biting hard on my lip.  
“You bite your lip when you’re nervous,” he says and I am kind of surprised he noticed. Indeed, this is my bad habit which sometimes leaves my lips all bloody from too much harshness. “Therefore, I have two things to say about that,” Ruki continues.  
I let my teeth slip away from my lip and allow my tongue taste it instead, to check for the damage. There is none. I look up to him and a “what?” leaves my mouth.  
“Firstly, you have no idea how long I’ve been struggling by watching you doing this and hold back from biting your lips myself,” he sighs, “but now I can, ne?” A half smile appears on his face as he leans to do so but stops halfway waiting for my approval.  
“You don’t need to ask,” I say, longing it, and he does not need anything else to go in.  
He starts with a gentle kiss enforcing it gradually to the point his skillful tongue makes it hard for me to breathe normally, and just when my hands were starting to reach for his shirt spotting it as my enemy, he sucks my bottom lip in his mouth and firstly bites gently, then dares harder. I just want to shove him right in the bathtub of hot, scented water like there is no tomorrow, but that one tiny part of me is too much aware of how exposed I am right now and will not let me act on my terms. But my hand, independently, is still pulling harshly at his shirt.  
Ruki distances himself a bit from my face, “what, you want to rip my clothes off?” He giggles, “I’d be pleased with that.” His breath is willing, so is mine, but…  
He was honest with me so I should return the favor. “Yes, but…” What can he see in my eyes?  
Seriousness takes over him replacing his expression with a worried one, “something seems to bother you, that’s the second thing I wanted to say.” My surprised expression, as I have not yet met a soul able to read me, makes him speak further, “you’re underestimating me a bit, I think.”  
I search in his eyes for that harshness of his but cannot find it. Instead, only warmth dances in them. “I feel exposed,” I simply say but keep facing him to let him know I am not trying to run away regardless.  
A few moments pass in the stillness of observing each other’s face and in those tiny fragments of time a clue must have revealed on my part to make a certain something occur to him. “Look, you are allowed to express your fears to me. Don’t look at me like I can’t deal with it and will just back off or something,” he says. His words could feel cold to some but the way he spoke gave them a reassuring tone. “…’cause I won’t,” the decision displayed in his eyes helps me regain a tiny bit of confidence. “I’m not an idiot and we made a promise,” he stands up, “we’re not that different at last.”  
“I know this far,” I say, “I just feel like I’m falling weak again and I don’t want to.”  
“Isn’t love the weak point of all human beings? Me included, I figure lately,” he sighs. “Now let me join you and drawn our worries together.” He steps away from the bathtub, “if you won’t rip it off, I will,” he giggles while taking of his shirt and I cannot help myself but laugh at the irony of this moment. Was it not me the one who would say something like this? As he was reading my mind, he remarks my thought, “ironic, ne? It feels like we’ve exchanged roles. And why the hell am I talking that much? Isn’t it you who should do that?” He looks at me and I unconsciously bite my lip again as I realize he is almost naked by now. “I told you it’s painful to watch this,” he comments while I hear approaching steps and do not dare to look all the way up as I feel his figure getting closer. I clutch my knees up to my chest to hide my naked body and so my face. The soft foam that surrounds me makes me feel just slightly more at ease. I feel a presence slowly entering the bathtub behind me and the next second his arms wrap around my body. I bounce at the contact of our skin touching and it makes him hesitate for a second. His hand covers mine and he slowly helps me loosen the firm grip I have on my knees.  
“Why are you hiding from me?” he asks softly. I stare at his tattoos covering his arms and shyly stretch my fingers out to pass them gently along his skin, searching for landscapes in those black drawings.  
“You’re not the only one who has struggles,” I say and let it float in the air between us.  
“Some things indeed change you,” Ruki’s chin comes resting on my shoulder with his cheek against my neck while he speaks in a low, dreamy voice, not really expecting any kind of answer in return.  
But I want to give one. If I expect from him to wear his heart on his sleeve, I should offer something in return myself, too. “What if you won’t like me… with my weak side and every imperfection exposed…”  
My words leave him surprised; I can tell that much from the way his jawline gets tense above my shoulder’s bone. He did not expect me to be so insecure, when it was him the one having troubles expressing his feelings and I was the one giving him pushes. “What made you think so? Weren’t you the one telling me let’s start this with no what ifs?” I cannot read anything from the tone of his voice.  
“But isn’t it how it usually goes?” I regret my just spoken words right away. “I’m sorry, let’s just forget about it,” I say next and try to distance myself a bit from his hold but fail as he only pulls me closer making me feel trapped in a way of feeling vulnerable but… protected. Strange.  
“Let’s make one thing clear…” he says in a decisive tone and the second later starts kissing my neck. Just when I get used to the sensation, I feel his breath moving all the way up to my ear as he gently bites it. Then again, his lips move to my shoulder as I sense the warmth on my skin and he does not need any words to let me know how much he appreciate every part of my body his lips visit. His hand sleeps down on my stomach and moves to my hips all the way down my tight, and I shiver. I can feel him getting excited as my breathing fastens and my tense body starts to loosen under his spell. He starts kissing every inch of my skin he can reach. “How could I not, when it’s you…” he whispers deeply enough to break the last thread of hesitation holding me back.  
The hand on my tight moves slightly upwards. And then a little bit more until its one more final travel. I close my eyes not being able to stand the urge raising inside of me. “I…” I do not even know what I was to say in response as I start losing the gift of clear thinking with each next touch at all the right places.  
“Look at me,” his lips move to my ear as my breathing wraps around his warm finger reaching up to touch my mouth pressing it to my bottom lip.  
When the touch fades, I hesitantly turn halfway around to face him and almost stop breathing as his eyes stare deep into mine with fixation. I bite down on my lip again in anxiety of what it is that will follow as my body notifies me he holds the situation in the grip of his hands again, where an invisible wire is tied around me and its ends resting between his fingers with ease.  
“I’ve let you in,” he says. “And now… I won’t be whole until you let me in.” There is something in his voice tone that goes over the physical world and reaches somewhere beyond exitance seducing my soul.  
I slowly move all the way around to adjust and sit in his lap and rest my hands on his chest for a brief moment. The beefing of the swarm of my thoughts gradually becomes more and more quiet. As he starts caressing my back with his fingers, my last bits shyness disappears little by little and finally I am able to face him and go in for a kiss. My mind finally decides in surrendering to stillness. I wrap my arms around his neck as I taste his perfect lips. His tongue makes its way into my mouth and for a second I lose awareness of the scented warm water surrounding us to only feel his touch on my skin. His hand keeps moving up and down my spine while the other is glued to my hip and I pull myself closer onto him until there is not even an inch of space left between us.  
“I… want you,” he unexpectedly breaks the kiss and lets me catch for air.  
“You have me,” I whisper as the aftertaste leaves me bagging for more. I start leaving stains on his neck and I know tomorrow he will have to cover a mark or two.  
“Hey…” he calls my name and swallows hard while my mouth keeps playing with his neck skin. “Do you want me?” His deep voice makes me lose it as I cannot hold myself back anymore. For the first time, I see pure lust reflecting in his eyes and I probably give myself away before I can even speak.  
“Yes… all of you,” I cry out as I feel him entering me.


End file.
